Relationships Aren’t Rocket Science … Are They?
By John Gray
Many of our female readers tell us that their partners often come up short in the listening skills department. So many times, when a woman tries to talk and share her feelings about her day, out of the blue come all of the answers to the world’s problems, followed by blackout silence, from her guy.
But gals, listen up. There is a good reason why your mild-mannered couch cruiser can suddenly spin around and end up as the caped crusader of all things fixable in your world.
A man’s self worth is defined through his ability to achieve results.
Yes, it’s true; men are always doing things to prove themselves, like leaping tall buildings and flying faster than a speeding bullet. This helps them to develop both their power and skills. They experience fulfillment as men by this success and accomplishment.
Achieving goals is very important to a man because it is how he proves his competence and thus feels good about himself. For him to feel good about himself, he must achieve these goals by himself. Men pride themselves on doing things by themselves. Autonomy is a symbol of efficiency, power, and competence.
Understanding this male characteristic can help women to understand why men resist being corrected or being told what to do. To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own. Men are very touchy about this because the issue of competence is so important to them.
Unsolicited advice or criticism—especially if he has made a mistake—makes a man feel unloved and controlled.
Because he is handling his problems on his own, a man rarely talks about his problems unless he needs expert advice. Men consider asking for help a sign of weakness, since they think that they should be able to come up with the solution on their own. However, if a man does need help, it is a sign of wisdom to ask someone he respects for advice and a solution. Talking about a problem with another man is an invitation for advice. Men feel honored to have the opportunity to help each other solve problems.
This male custom is one of the reasons men instinctively offer solutions when women talk about problems. When a woman innocently shares upset feelings or explores out-loud the problems of her day, a man mistakenly assumes that she is looking for some expert advice. He puts on his Mr. Fix-It hat and begins handing out jewels of wisdom, which is his way of showing love and of trying to help.
Once he has offered a solution, however, and the woman continues to be upset, it becomes increasingly difficult for him to listen because his solution is being rejected. He feels increasingly useless and has no idea that, just by listening with empathy and interest, he can be supportive.
Men do not know that, for women, talking about problems is not an invitation to offer a solution.
When a woman resists a man’s solutions, he feels his competence is being questioned and, as a result, he feels mistrusted or unappreciated. He stops caring and his willingness to listen starts to lessen.
By clearly understanding that it is his timing and delivery that are being rejected and not his solutions, a man can handle a woman’s resistance much better. He doesn’t take it so personally. By learning to listen, he will gradually experience the additional appreciation that she will show even when, at first, she is upset with him.
Knowing that a man needs to leap over tall objects and dodge flying bullets in order to have a healthy sense of self-worth, women can appreciate his superhero efforts as long as he simply listens to her when she is upset. Respecting Mr. Fix-It is a sure way to make your love blossom.
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